Today is Wednsday, i wish i could go out after finish working. But still have to work till late. Well, seemed like I have a plan tonight with someone. Finally no one called me. They all did bullshit to me. Thats sad.

I called my parents today, they are doin fine, my sister is gettin big and she just turns 10 last month. And another sister, she is in love with some thai guy and they help myparents business so far so good. i wish i could help them have a small wedding party and i wish i could go their. My cousin just got baby boy last two months. And people in my famiy is gettin old and have been changing by job, life, love and health. I do miss my family so muh and wish i could be there real soon after I have been here more than 3 yrs.

I have some confusing feeling in my mind about who I love and who I want to spend time with. I care of one guy who is always be te part of my thinkin no matter I do or what he does. We keep in touch and try to do thing together, get to know each other more and more..Seemed like I got scared how he feel and I feel. I feel very happyto be with him. I want him to be happy but he couldnt force himself to be happy as he tried to be. His eyes are still having the sorrow sign everytime I looked at him. I want to help him as much as he can from his past and try to make him happy..I hope time would help and be with him. I wish my goodness would get through to him. I dont expec aything from him.

But myfriends didnt like him at all coz he is disorganize, moody, sensitive and unhappy........He lets thingin the past kill him and dont even want to move on as I try to let him do that just for himself....

I feel like crab....I feel like Im no one in his life...that he wasnt appreciated me in some other time.

He mostly didnt pay for me when we go out, he did at the first mment we have met..And I do know and understand he has bill to pay....But it didnt matter to me.

Another guy came to me after him for a while. He is older than me and mature,, He has a stable job and rich. He takes care of me always when we went out..I would never pay or anything...I dont know what I should say like now but as I know....I need to choose one of them. Yeah absolutely, my friends like this guys a lot and seemed like I will be happier to be with than other one....

I am so sick of ife likethis....

I need time to think and think what i gonna do for the future ...what is best for me!

This season, people got A flu...Im waiting for a swine flu shot. I hope I dont get a cold from anybody else. Well, honestly I got sick from my PMS.It made me crazy and pain for 2 weeks. I knew it is abnormal. I dont know what to do, just keep hoping it will be gone away soon.. I got better since yestrday, but today still pain on my tummy. I knew what the problem, I got drug infection fom using the birth control pill which my friend sale them to me, she got it from Thailand. I was so dump to doin that. Shit. my body hurt. I havent gone to m class for a whole week. I was so depress with all emotion and stuff!!! Don worry Im fine now..

Yeah in the same time, my best friend got swine flu! First few day, she didnt know she got it.She wassck so bad. We tried to figure it out where, when and hy she got it....We were at the Thai temple and she got free food. Or we went to see a movie which had a lot of people in the theather...Well, I was so scare to get a swine flu from her. Plus I was so sick an thught too much about myself.....

My school didnt provide insurance for student, no one want it and the company didnt want to deal with school anymore..That why I dont have insurance,. I scared to death if I have to pay a lot of money for hospital..Im looking for it now....

On Jan 18th 2009 my birthday,  That time I was in the relationship with my boyfriend, we planned to get married. Right by that day, I didnt feel like "Im fall in love with him" with all reasons. We couldnt be together. We fight and no way in hell to talk good one another each day. He didnt show me how much he was apprecated me on my  birthday at all. He made me upset, but I still wanted to have the best birthday ever. I told him many time we couldnt hold each other hands anymore. Seemed like he needed to be in relationship but didnt want to have a responsible to his girlfriend. That made me sick. I hurt and couldnt even tell anyone how muh pain I have got.

That night was fun and had 20 more friends came to the house. I got some gifts for everyone who came just want to give thanks to them. I cooked a lot of Thai food. We drank and had a lot of fun.

An hour later, one guy showed up to my party. He was my roomate's friend. I had heard about him long time ago. My friend told me many times afer they knew that I fight with my bf a lot. I should meet his friend, he got the same situation like me. I was in relaionship and have been on and off in relatonship like me. He was hurt like I hurt. Finally I met him on my birthday. I had some feeling told me in my mind that he was such a nice and sweet guy.  We were in the same damn situation. We decided to talk and had things in common. We like each other too much. That night was such a good night I wont forget it.

After that day, I had something to talk with my bf. I knew it will be ashame for me to dump and break up with him after I met one guy. I didnt pick his phone up and still didnt want to talk to him. I went out with a new guy and we were so fun couple that time. A few day later, I called my bf and told him, I didnt love him anymore. I thought he was confuse for himself that he liked guy or girl. He acted like a female all the time when we were together, there was no man feeling in him that why I needed him to think more about what did he want to be. Then he beg me to get back and give him a chance. He will changed everything for me. but i still say NO...I needed to move on. I used to love him more than everything. I almost get married with him, didnt even know maybe he wanted to use me to lie to his family that he wasnt gay. Well at least I did dump him first and I still hurt.

I and my new bf had a good time just for a few month. He was to confuse to be with me. I knew his mind really wanted to get back with his ex. And I let him went back to her. If anything was good and made him happy just do it. I was so sad anyway by the way he dump me like a few month before I dumped my ex. But I wont get back to him.

9 months later, I have been dating with many cool dudes. I still havent find anyone right and almost gave up. Sometimes I was crying coz I needed someone who took a good care of me like my ex. I wontbe able to change things in the past. Just keep moving on with my life. Everyone who came to my heart, I felt greatful to them and wanna say thanks for giving me stronger.  I still remembered the guy that I met on my bday. I still wanna talk and let see how is he doing.

Last week a 6 o'clock in the morning, I got a phone call from him. That was wired coz I used to turn off my cell when I was in bed.But that night I didnt turn it off. Before last week, I have been so sick and crying coz I felt lonely and homesick. I was sick ad tired for the people who came and date with me and want to use me.

Then I got his call, his sound liked disappoited with something. He said apologise to me last time he dump me in hell. He wanted to get back with me and start to hang out and let see how thing goes. I kept askin what was happened to him. He started to tell me slowly what happened! He and his ex got bck together that time. Now she cheated on him and made his life miserable more than last time. I felt sorry for this shit happen. Well he asked me to help hi something and I said yes. More than welcome for him. I helped him and he came over to spend times with me a whole long weekend. He wanna changed his life, didnt wanna be that situation anymore. He wants to move on. He and her live together for 7 yrs. I already this is the tough one. Well, I mean I am not perfect but he deserve to be with anyone who treat him better.

I dont mean that he has to hook up with m like last time, I wanna help him moving on with his new life. We all went shopping. He had a new hairstyle, new clothes, jeans and shoes from head to toes. He is so sweet and be gentle to me in everyway I told him but his eyes are still miserable.

I dont expect for the future... I wish I can make him happy and pls know that Im right here for him to hold his hands whenever he needs.

After a few week from arguement on the phone with daddy, I called him again and pretend nothing happened between us. I was very nervous to talk to him. He picked my phone up, and his voice seemed happy to hearmy voice too. I was very happy to talk to him. He told me that he knows what I want to do. Just for some feeling he needs me to be at home when he is lonely or in a trouble. I said sorry to him and he said he is ok.

I told him about my class my job and my life here.Dad said he loved to watch the news and when he heard that some part of USA got an extremely weather or anything. He concerned bout me a lot and need to know from me that  Im ok...

I am very greatful and happy to talk to him...

Here is so lonely to be sometime when I feel lonely...

My close friend will visit Thailand soon in Dec, actually I do have something to let her carry for me to my lovely family..

I cantwait until everybody get my stuffs.

Love ya

I have been here for long time, and long time that I couldnt believe that. I never thought in my life. First, I came here for study in high school for a couple month. Then I went back to finish my degree in Thailand. After that, I dreamed to come back here to USA again if I have a chance. I did work hard and saved some of my money for coming back here. Well, I did it. And now this is a second time that I have come here for study and work. I am so proud of myself and everyone in my family thought the same way I have thought.

But life here in USA wasnt that good at all. I had a problem and got into real bad situations. But I am still strong and have hope and faith. I hope one day, I will get all the success that I have done before this 3 yrs and also will make my family know that I can do that by myself.

Anyway, dad needed me to go home and work as a teach in high school as I did that since I finished a Bechalor's degree. Yes, I would I could go but now, it seems like I have a lot of thing to get it doen include my school here. I started a year and hopefully, I will complete it next year.

I tried my best to tell him that I needed to be here no matter what, but I do know if I am a parent, I would worry about my own child who has to live far far away from home.

I feel so bad in every night that I have to close my eyes again and again without I meet them in a person. I wish I could see them every now and then. Go out and eat together as a family. Do some fun stuff.

I hope dad will understand me one day..And I will go to see him soon.